Introspection

I sat in on a program at the library on Thursday and was asked to do something I generally avoid: think about my life. You see, like most people I live behind a mask. And perhaps like some people I also have another shield that prevents me from looking too hard into my own soul. Or maybe just that I look, but I'm terrified of what I might find, and so I always turn back before I get too deep. Every once in a while I hit a nerve...or allow something to get through, and inevitably (for good or bad) I end up in tears. So now I'm fearful that the real me is locked up somewhere. (Okay I'm sure she is). But I'm afraid to go find her. It might make me do something drastic like enroll in Library School. (Last time I "looked" I ended up in the pool 3 days a week, and I'm still struggling against that decision.) The next biggest obstacle is that I hide so well, either by reading, or sleeping, or watching "Deep Space 9" re-runs or blogging...and that I've grown to love the diversions more than the prospect of "finding myself". I mean, why bring on such pain when I can take the lazy way out?

Why am I even thinking about this now? Well, there's that whole Lenten renewal thing...maybe I could find just one little thing to make me a better person...or even one big thing. And then there was Rosalie on Thursday, singing Believe in Yourself from The Wiz. Then I found these lyrics to What Would I do If I Could Feel?

What would I do, If I could suddenly feel
And to know once again, That what I feel is real?

I could cry, I could smile
I might lay back for a while
Oh, tell me what
What would I do if I could feel?

What would I do, If I could reach inside of me
And to know how it feels, To say I like what I see?

Then I'd be more than glad to share
All that I have inside of here
And the songs
My heart might bring
You'd be more Than glad to sing
And if tears should fall from my eyes
Just think of all the wounds
They could mend
And just think of all the time
I could spend
Just being vuln'rable again

Oh, tell me what
What would I do
If I could feel?